Grief and Grace in the Holidays

For many of us as the holidays approach they signal not only the start of a season of celebration and presence with those they love, they also serve as reminders of those they love who cannot be present. Grief comes into our lives and we wonder what to do with its heavy presence, especially during the days of joy with family and the light of faith filled seasons. Grief seems an unwelcome visitor to the feast and there is often a desire to kick him out into the cold night. 

But psychology would argue that grief comes not to steal joy and faith. It comes to signal a loss and to lead us through the loss. It motivates us to find healing and connection. What does that look like? How do we begin this process?

Many are familiar with Kübler-Ross’s stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. These stages give names to our most painful experiences, helping normalize our reactions and ease the shame often associated with grief. But there is also another model for understanding loss. While Kübler-Ross offers names to our experiences, Worden’s Tasks of Mourning provides direction in the disorientation that profound loss can bring.

What are his tasks of mourning then? They are the following: 

• Accept the reality of the loss. 

• Process the pain of the grief. 

• Adjust to a world without the loved one. 

• Finding an enduring connection with the loved one, while moving forward. 

To the untrained eye, these tasks may seem simple. However, anyone who has faced profound loss knows they can feel like a series of Mount Everests, tackled as an untrained climber. As with any daunting journey, the best way forward is one step at a time.

As you approach the holidays, avoid setting goals like fully accepting reality or processing all the pain—these are lifelong tasks. Instead, I encourage focusing on finding an enduring connection with the one you love during this season. This connection can grow through faith, traditions, and community, and what better time than Thanksgiving, Advent, and Christmas?

Here are some ideas for these tasks:

Thanksgiving:

• Offer a Mass for your loved one: Through the Eucharist, we can unite with the Church on Earth, the Church Triumphant, and the Church Expectant. Consider doing this individually or inviting family and friends to join.

• Give thanks for their legacy: Storytelling is powerful in processing grief. Share stories at the Thanksgiving table—moments of joy, playfulness, love, and gratitude.

• Set a place or create a tribute: Some families place a candle in the room as a quiet remembrance. It’s a gentle way to keep them present, reminding you of the light of hope in faith.

Advent:

• Include them in your Advent prayers: Dedicate a part of your Advent prayers to your loved one, asking for their intercession or praying for their soul’s repose.

• Acts of service or charity: Advent is a time of waiting, hope, and almsgiving. Honor your loved one through kindness or charity in their name. Offer these acts as prayers and ways to connect with what they loved.

Christmas:

• Incorporate their favorite traditions: Honor them by baking their favorite recipe, decorating with their ornaments, or singing Christmas songs they enjoyed.

• Pray for their peace at Christmas Mass: During Mass, bring your petitions to the Lord, asking for joy and peace for them.

Grief is not meant to increase our suffering during the holidays. Grief recognizes an opportunity to utilize the gifts of faith, tradition, and community to help us through the process of adapting and healing from the loss of those we hold dear. 

Allow the liturgical season to remind you that the Nativity is the beginning of Christ’s salvific work on earth, it is a moment to experience that “thrill of hope”. When you sing those lyrics, let them be your prayer: “a weary world rejoices.” Truly, grief in holidays can be that moment of your weary heart, experiencing a thrill of hope for them and for yourself. My prayer for you this holiday season will be that you find a way in the darkness of grief, to experience the gratitude, hope, and joy of finding an enduring connection with the one you love.